When, finally, the word narcissism came to me.
Hey, now! Don’t let that word shut you down!
No shame. No blame. No condescension. No judgment.
My purpose here is to facilitate a process of self-study about the ways that we often sabotage our own chances for happiness in love by holding on to thought habits and subconscious patterns that lead to rejection and loneliness in our lives.
Interestingly, we create what we say we don’t want!
First off, make no mistake about it, happiness is our birthright.
I’m not suggesting that anyone play a totally passive role in life and accept dissatisfaction or discontent.
To the contrary, what I’m suggesting is a more proactive approach to happiness and love that doesn’t stem from an underlying view that we are entitled to love or happiness, or that either is a drug: We are not here to remain as tantrum-prone toddlers, or to be addicts.
We are here to expand, grow, and become emotionally and spiritually mature.
What I’m suggesting is that happiness is not a possession, nor is it a destination, and most importantly it is not about control or gratification of personal desires.
Those things include the essence of greed, which only create love starvation in ourselves and by extension the entire world.
What I’m here to say is that though many of us have been taught that happiness and love are competitive sports, they are not.
Happiness, just like love, is not authentic when driven by a sense of personal gain, especially at the expense of our own well-being and the desires of others.
Happiness and love come from a place of altruism where ego fades away, and the motivation is uncondiitonal love, not the alleviation of loneliness, which is narcissistic and self-serving.
The following bullet points depict the subtle and unconscious ways that narcissism and narcissistic thoughts lead to chronic loneliness and rejection in love and life.
If you have found yourself saying things such as these, then rejection and loneliness might be a product of narcissism:
- “I can’t help who I love.”
- This is self-deception at its greatest, folks. If this were true, I’d be in love with my banker who takes my money and any random person on the street. The truth is that we have been given the gifts of intelligence and rational choice; life commands us to use them wisely, so pay attention and be selective about whom you give your heart to. If you think that you can’t control who you give your love to, then you will experience repeated loneliness and rejection—you will give your heart to who you want to love—not necessarily who wants to love you. Wake up! Fall in love with how others treat you, not because you want them to love you, or you want love from them..
- "This person just needs someone to love them properly, and they will thrive, be happy and love me.”
- Nonsense. Does anyone buy a diamond ring that is missing stones in hopes that loving the ring with missing stones will make it shine fully? Falling in love with potential is for real estate agents and home-flippers, not for those looking for love. Be aware of narcissism disguised as heroism, false compassion, or savior mentality. All of these things will destroy you and your self-esteem.
- “I want what I want.”
- Then you haven’t grown past a 2-year-old emotionally. You are living in an adult body, but what else? I’ve raised four children. Need I say more?
- “I’m picky.”
- While it’s good to be selective, be aware of narcissism disguised as pickiness. You will never find a male or female version of yourself, and if you do? Run!
- “I can only love that person and no other.”
- If you’re stuck in the past, narcissism might be blocking you from new opportunities. Each person that enters our lives comes with their own gifts. Open your heart to the gifts they offer. Humility is good for the soul.
- "I give my all in love, and just want someone to reciprocate."
- Well, did you get to know this person before you gave your all to them? Are you misusing your generosity in hopes of gaining” others' affections? If so, this might be narcissism on your part; you want to be needed.
- “I’ve never been able to find the love and connection that I seek.”
- Why? Are you secretly asking someone to affirm you, or heal your wounds with their attention and love? Guess what? That’s the work of your own soul, not theirs. Healing is why you’re here. No one else can heal you. It is unfair to burden others with your work. When you do so, they will run away and reject you. Period.
I am here to help.
Submitted with love,