We all know how the story goes:
We meet someone, things seem to be going well, we have much anticipation for a happy future, and then suddenly the other person becomes aloof or distant – leaving us to wonder if they’ve lost interest, or worse –found someone else!
As the fear of loss and rejection seep into our minds, sending us into an emotional tailspin, we can’t concentrate, our nervous systems go haywire, we can’t sleep, and tunnel vision usually develops.
We become fixated on fixing our relationships, but mainly because we don’t want to confront our worst fears, we become fixated on fixing things outside of ourselves.
The keyword here is outside, because that is what we focus on.
With our vision firmly settled and focused on fixing things from the outside, we attempt to rescue or redeem our relationships, recapture the attention of the object of our affections, and typically try and resist the voice of our intuition telling us to accept the change, which is the new reality confronting us, and let go.
This is where we usually go into denial; we attempt to gain reassurance from the one we love; we start giving more attention, becoming more generous, we attempt to be more forgiving and agreeable, we make excuses, we insist that this person is a soul mate and that our connection is unbreakable, and sometimes we develop fantasies like we were sent by God to rescue that person from their own demons or limitations. We put on a cape, a nursemaid outfit, wear the mask of a mother or father and search our brains for ways we can become “better” for that person, because in our minds, it was our fault that the other person had a change of heart.
Here’s the thing: It is not ever our fault when the heart or mind of another person suddenly changes.
Here’s the other thing: We like to think things are our fault because somehow that makes us feel as if we have power to change things.
What we do have is the power to choose how we will react or respond to the other person’s change of heart and mind.
What we do have power over is internal – it is our greatest source of power – it is authentic.
Now, it would be unfair and remiss of me not to mention that there are times when a relationship can be saved and salvaged. The point is that under those circumstances, both parties are willing to admit that the connection needs work and are openly willing to go about the work of compromise, sacrifice, and healing together—as equals—hand in hand.
One person trying to save a relationship is akin to trying to save a sinking ship with toothpick.
If you have found yourself in a situation where you are experiencing sudden change in romance and love, and your partner is unwilling to cooperate, rebuild and heal with you, then you have no other choice but to accept their decision, and you must find the strength to let go.
We are talking about your dignity and self-worth here, and what is more important than your emotional, mental and physical health?
Are you not worthy of your own health?
Below are tips for regaining and protecting the mind, heart, body and soul after or during a sudden change, separation or breakup.
Invest in your personal power:
- Focus on reinventing your image, your life, your goals, and dreams. Staying stuck on the past and trying to relive or revive it only leads to continued suffering and misery. Keep your vision focused on the future version of yourself and your life. Create a vision board that describes how you see your life moving forward. Think of yourself as the CEO of your own life; write a mission statement and action steps for how you will achieve it. Get excited about yourself!!
- When we are in pain there is always the temptation to self-isolate and shut down, but that can be dangerous and lead to depression. During change, open yourself up to community. Join clubs or groups whose personal goals, experiences and ideas match up with your own. Allow friends in. Build bonds with friends and create new memories with them. No need to ask them for advice, just enjoy your time with them and build! If the mind isn’t busy creating, it’s busy destroying! Create with your thoughts! Don’t destroy.
Develop routine and ritual in your life:
- Habits can be replaced. So, where you may have once held the habit of over-thinking, develop the habit of mindlessness. Develop the habit of living in the heart and soul, the sanctuary of pure and authentic love, not the mind, where fear, sadness, sorrow and self-defeating energies live. Mindlessness doesn’t mean that you won’t have thoughts. It means that you won’t over identify with them and allow yourself to wallow in the negative energies that the mind can produce. The soul is the sanctuary, the head is a prison. Be the captain of your own ship and decide that you will anchor yourself in the habits of the heart/soul!
Take it slow and easy!
- Healing is a process, be compassionate and loving towards yourself. And by all means, don’t rush into another relationship and rebound! Instead, take time to heal and thoughtfully examine what you learned about yourself from the experience of love and attachment you shared with this person-- and perhaps with others during your journey here. Be patient, honest and transparent with yourself. If during your self-examination, you see that you have a pattern of co-dependency, then acknowledge that and commit to building yourself up without the need from others. Remember: if you refuse to love yourself, you will always chase others who refuse to give you love! Commit to self-love and self-honesty. Commit to growth and building the life you were given on your own terms!
Practice acceptance and Steer away from blame!
- When relationships end or things change, the temptation to play the blame game is always there. We blame the other person, we blame ourselves, we blame God, and the narrative of blame is endless. When we accept ourselves and others just as we are, and we accept things just as they are, we accept peace. When we examine ourselves and take responsibility for our contribution to the change or experience, we find peace and personal power. When we fault-find with others, we blame, and we accept victimhood, which is an assault on self-esteem.
It is my hope that my words here are received in light and love, and that readers know that these words come from lived experience. No preachy-teachy stuff here! I have lived through endings and new beginnings, rejection, and loneliness, but look! I am here! Life is a series of tests all designed to help us become who we ultimately need to become. So, in the meantime, learn to smile through the tears, and laugh through the anguish. When you do, you will find the rainbow awaiting—just beyond the horizon—just for you!
Submitted with love,